“Helllou….Oh, hiya Honey. How you doin’ today? Mmmm, he did? He said that? What’s wrong with men? Does all that play fighting when they’re young knock their damn brains around ’til they just loose inside their skull? Sometimes, they’re just as thick as fence-posts! I know just how you feel. Why just yesterday, after I got back from having my nails done, Harvey said to me….Oh, my, just hang on a minute…what’s that Georgie? Oh My God. I gotta go Gloria. Georgie just had a big number 2, it’s kinda leaking out his diaper….oooooo, I really gotta run. He’s making little poo tracks down the hall. STOP! GEORGIE!! STOP MOVING!! GEORGIE! YOU STOP RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!! I’ll call you back, sweetie.”
“Hi Gloria, it’s just me again. Do you have a few minutes? I’ve got to tell you the craziest story. Yeah. Good. Grab a coffee because this may take a little bit. Mmmm, yah real cream in coffee is soooo gooood. What kind do you use? Oooooooo, Honey, I like the sound of that! Whaddya call it again? Yeah, save me the tin so I can see the label. Oh. Yeah. The poo.
Well, anyway, after I hung up, I chased Georgie down the hall. He’d made it to our room and was trying to pull himself up on our bed. I’m going to have to wash all the sheets now, and I just did them 2 days ago, oh and our drier’s on the fritz so I have to line dry ’em, and it’s suppose to rain today. Goddamn! And why my side of the bed anyway? It’s the farthest away from the door?
So anyway, Honey, I dragged him off to the bathroom to change him, and he’s kicking and screaming. He just hates to be changed now. Ever since he started walking he’s a fiend. He twists and arches and kicks. It’s awful, and when I’m frustrated it’s even worse. I just want to let the little bugger sit in it, you know? Or conk him on the noggin to get him to shut up and lay still long enough for me to get the job done.
So, like I said, I drag him off to change him, and I just get him laid down and I got a clean diaper and those nice smelling Johnson’s wipes….mmmhhmmm, them flushable ones. Makes it so much easier just to flush them than to think about poopy wipes sitting in the kitchen garbage. Pardon Honey? Oh yeah, me and Harvey got one of those diaper pails, but Harvey hates all that twisting, and he thinks it’s just stupid to have to buy special little bags for the damn thing, so it’s sitting outside the backdoor with the snow shovel, rake, and the old handle and float from the upstairs toilet we had to replace in June. That man never cleans up anything.
Anyway, I’ve just got Georgie down, and I had to lay him on a towel! There was no way I wanted poo on the bathroom carpet. We just had that replaced. So, like I said, I was just undoing the pull-tabs when he kicks me real hard, right between the boobs. Well I’m just trying to catch my breath and hold him down, ’cause he’s squirming like a demon now and the diaper is half off. All this wet poo is dripping and little bits are flying everywhere. Well, I just yell at him to lay still and grab him, but he wiggles and I get a handful of the diaper. So now I have poo all over my hand, and Gloria, Honey, it was under my fingernails. Now that’s just horrible. Isn’t it? So I’m gagging as I get a good hold of him and lay him flat, I think I kinda scared the little bugger, ’cause he started crying. And the doorbell rings.
Well, I hate not to answer the door, and I was expecting an Avon delivery, yeah, Honey, that Peachy Keen lipstick that Joyce has, mmmmhhmmm. I do love that color. So I quickly wipe up Georgie and run my hands under the tap. ‘Course he’s not completely wiped. You know that little spot right under their scrotum, where you have to move the little sack back and forth to get it real clean? It’s still not clean, and I can smell that he’s still kinda foul, so I put him in his crib for a bit and run to answer the door.
Well, it’s not the Avon lady. It’s the Jehovah’s. Sweet Jesus those people show up at the worst times. Anyway, I am standing there trying nicely to get the old broad to go away, smiling and nodding. Well she’s going on and on about, ‘Aren’t things different than when we were kids? Things are so much harder for kids nowadays. Don’t you agree? Well, you know what the problem is? Do you know the culprit?‘ And I’m just nodding and shaking my head, sorta leaning on the door so it’s closing ever-so-slowly, and she says, ‘The very thing that’s exposing our kids to the dangers of Satan is the…….SINternet. They call it the information super-highway. But it’s only the super-highway to HELL!!!!‘
And all this time, I can smell poop. I look down at my blouse and there’s none there, then I look at my hands, but I got most of it off when I washed, only the stuff under my fingernails was still there. So I sniffed my hands, kinda secretly so the Jehovah lady didn’t suspect anything, you know, I sorta pretended my nose was itchy, and well, they smelled more like my rose-scented soap than poop. Well, the Jehovah lady is trying to get me to take that Watch Tower magazine-thingy so I can read about the evils of the Sinternet and how if I come to a church meeting on Wednesday night I can learn how to stop Satan’s network.
Well Georgie starts screaming real loud, so I tell the lady that I really gotta go get my boy, and thanks for the magazine-thingy, and I was busy Wednesday night, but thanks for the offer anyway, and I shut the door. I guess I closed it kinda quick, because it created quite a breeze and I got a strong smell of poo again. So I smelled my hands again, and they seemed okay, though I knew I still had to scrub under my nails. And I just had them done the other day! Plus, I’ll have to bleach the nail brush, and who knows how many of them little bristles will fall out. I’ll probably have to buy another one. Oh, yeah?….They come in lavender? Where? Where did you find a nail brush in lavender? That would go so nice with my bathroom. I can only ever find them wooden handled ones. Where? Mmmhmmmm, I shoulda known Wal-Mart would have something smart like that. I’m not even gonna bleach the old one. I’m just gonna run out and get a new lavender one.
Anyway, so I go get Georgie out of his crib, and he’s good and mad. So I give him a cookie, just to hush him up and run him a bath. I wasn’t tryin’ to wipe him anymore. I’m not risking getting kicked again, that little spot right between my boobs still hurts. Anyway, I get him undressed and in the tub, and I dump in his toys. Finally, he’s quiet. But, Lord have mercy, I can still smell poo. I grab the nail brush and start scrubbing. When I’m all clean, no more poop under my nails, I take a nice long smell of my hands. Lovely. But just after my big last whiff, I catch a smell of poo again. It’s starting to really make me mad now.
I’m getting to it, Gloria. Hold your panties on.
Well, I look in the mirror to fix my hair, and whaddya know. There, right on the end of my nose, is a big old spot of dried poop. Yup. Right on the end. About the size of a pea. Stop giggling Gloria, you’ll getting me started and that will wake Georgie up! Well, I start to laugh until I remember that I musta stood there for 5 minutes listening to that Jehovah lady go on about the information super-hellway with Georgie’s poop right on the end of my nose. She musta thought I was crazy.
Well, you’re right there Honey! At least it wasn’t the Avon lady!