And She Snaps (and Snips)

Painting by Frans Hal

When did I become a joke? I mean, I’m just askin’. did I become the source of family entertainment? This mixed-blended-multi-surnamed-upside-down family’s skull-juggling Yorick?

I just, and here I mean just–like, 10 minutes ago–entirely snapped (a full-fledged eye-bulging throat-vein-pumping melt down) at my entire family, including my 21-year old brother-in-law, and ever one, EVERYONE, laughed.

Now, I have to grant, they laughed quietly. Into their cups of tea and glasses of wine, for fear of pissing me off more, but laughed nonetheless.

So I’m sitting here wondering how, behind my back, or really, in front of me, while I wasn’t paying attention, I’ve become the butt of jokes. They find me funny!!  Funny? ME?! Give over you pissants!!!! There’s nothing funny here. Move along!

And upon reflection, it’s occurred to me that this just might be a “laughing at me” scenario rather than a “laughing with me.” In fact, maybe there’s been a lot of that in my life and I’ve failed to notice it (something I should definitely think about, or not, which entirely depends on how difficult I find thinking tomorrow).

So what to do? How to proceed?

I feel I have two reasonable choices: take the high road and ignore the bastards, or brow-beat them all to within an inch of their lives and strike the Fear of Mom into them.

And while I feel my beneficence bubbling up (no, wait, that’s just gas), I am inclined to act completely old-school-burning-bush and rain down my wrath. But, alas and alack, they’ll just laugh!


So I need to concoct another plan and since I can’t actually smite anyone, I’ll look to good old Godfather-style retribution. To keep them complacent, I’ll pretend to ignore the snickering and sniggering (at my delicate, sensitive expense). Then, while they’re not looking, I’ll get my own back and I’ll leave them a message (and since I don’t have access to any horses or newly severed horse heads,  I’ll leave the next best thing: toe nail clippings. Toe nail clippings in their beds. That’ll teach ’em!



Okay, maybe that’s just gross. But at least I’ll be laughing at them, and not with them!

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